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While driving to the airport to pick up my son, I found myself engrossed in a lecture by Sue Johnson, founder of Emotion Focused Therapy. She delved into a critical issue affecting many couples: the fear of emotional isolation. According to Sue, this fear is at the core of much of the distress couples experience. She explained that love is a hardwired emotion designed to help us navigate this fear, connecting us to others and preventing emotional isolation.

This idea sparked a reflection on my part. Emotional isolation, I realized, often leads to attachment anxiety. Love, in turn, is meant to soothe this anxiety. However, when couples feel their love and connection diminishing, their attachment anxiety increases. In response, they adopt behaviors aimed at soothing this anxiety and protecting themselves from emotional isolation. Unfortunately, these behaviors often exacerbate the very anxiety they aim to alleviate.

Understanding the Cycle of Attachment Anxiety

Consider couples entering therapy sessions, focused on the conflicts and dramas driven by their attachment anxieties. Therapists, while trying to help, might get caught up in these surface issues without recognizing the couple’s underlying desire to maintain their relationship. If therapists can view this desire positively, they can help couples understand that their actions, though sometimes counterproductive, are actually attempts to connect.

Observing Interaction Patterns Mindfully

A key strategy for therapists is to encourage couples to observe their interaction patterns mindfully and without judgment. This approach helps couples see how their behaviors serve their needs, guiding them beyond the surface drama to the root of their issues. By fostering an ability to relate from a deeper, consistent part of themselves, couples can create a secure and safe place within their relationship.

When couples learn to see each other not as the problem but as partners navigating their patterns of interaction, they can approach conflicts from a mindful, compassionate perspective. In my work, I’ve seen high-conflict couples become more observant and connect on a deeper level, managing to hold both the conflict and their emotional bond simultaneously.

Creating a Secure Base Amidst Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but maintaining a secure base while navigating these conflicts is crucial. As therapists, avoiding entanglement in the couple’s drama and focusing instead on the underlying issues can help break the cycle of problematic interactions.

In therapy, helping couples increase their ability to observe their patterns of interactions mindfully, without judgment, and assess how these patterns and behaviors are trying to serve them is essential. This practice can help them move through the drama and reach the core of their problems.

The Role of the Observing Self

To truly help couples, therapists should guide them to relate from the unchanging observer inside of them. This part of them has been present since birth, observing everything from the beginning to the present moment. Helping couples see their problems from this secure and safe place within themselves fosters a secure and safe place within their relationship.

Instead of viewing each other as the problem or the enemy, couples can look at their patterns and interactions from a mindful, non-judgmental, observing place. This attunement to their emotional responses as they navigate conflicts is transformative.

Practical Steps for Therapists

1. Encourage Mindful Observation: Help couples become their observing selves, noticing their interaction patterns without judgment.
2. Assess Behavioral Patterns: Guide couples to understand how their behaviors serve their attachment needs, even if counterproductive.
3. Foster Deep Connection: Assist couples in connecting from a place of compassion and vulnerability, beyond the surface drama.
4. Maintain a Secure Base: Support couples in creating a secure base amidst conflicts, focusing on the deeper issues rather than getting caught up in the content of disputes.

Conclusion

In my work with couples, I’ve witnessed how those in high conflict can step into their ability to observe the problem while also connecting deeply with one another. They manage to hold dual realities: the conflict on one hand and their compassion for each other on the other hand.

Conflict will always arise in relationships. Helping couples maintain a secure base as they navigate these conflicts is essential. As therapists, if we get caught up in the drama and conflict, we risk becoming part of the pattern of interaction sustaining the problem. Instead, by guiding couples to a deeper understanding and connection, we can help them break free from the cycle of attachment anxiety and emotional isolation, fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.