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I recently had the pleasure of working with a couple who are not only a delight to meet with but also share a wonderful relationship. Despite their strong bond, one partner recently expressed a desire to spice up their relationship. She opened up about her experience with menopause and her worries about declining sexual desire and not feeling “woman enough.”

During our session, we delved into several important areas. We discussed her expectations of sex based on past experiences and explored the societal beliefs she holds about herself as a woman, partner, and sexual being. These beliefs, often internalized over many years, were leading her to judge and criticize herself, which in turn, was affecting her sexual desire.

This conversation made me ponder a crucial question: What does good sex look like after menopause and later in life? A quick Google search was quite revealing. While there is an abundance of articles about the symptoms of menopause and various interventions, there is a significant lack of information on what healthy, fulfilling sex looks like for older couples. The focus tends to be on addressing symptoms rather than fostering sexual intimacy and connection.

As a therapist, my goal is to understand what works well for older adults in their sexual relationships. What do they enjoy? How do they maintain intimacy? It’s about more than just alleviating symptoms; it’s about creating a fulfilling sexual connection that lasts into the later years of life.

In our session, we set goals aimed at fostering more sexual intimacy in their relationship. To get them started on this journey, I shared three key points:

1. Redefine Sexual Expectations

Couples often use past sexual experiences to define their current sex life. However, it’s crucial to come together and redefine what sex looks like now. This means creating a shared experience in the moment rather than relying on old expectations. By doing this, couples can discover new ways to connect and enjoy each other intimately.

2. Schedule Sex

Many people resist the idea of scheduling sex, preferring spontaneity. However, scheduling can build anticipation and excitement. Throughout the week, couples can flirt and make playful suggestions, enhancing the overall experience. And if sex happens before the scheduled date, it’s a delightful bonus! The key is to view the scheduled time as an opportunity for connection, rather than a chore.

3. Prioritize Sensual Touching

Instead of focusing solely on intercourse, I encouraged them to explore sensual touching and connecting. This could involve activities like rubbing lotion on each other’s backs, gentle touching, and exploring each other’s bodies. By prioritizing sensuality, couples can reduce the pressure of expectations and simply enjoy the sensations and connection. This approach allows them to be present with each other and explore intimacy in a relaxed, loving way.

This couple left the session smiling and excited about the week ahead. Our conversation alone had boosted their sexual desire, and it was wonderful to witness the positive impact.

Final Thoughts

Menopause and aging don’t have to signal the end of a fulfilling sex life. By redefining expectations, planning intimate moments, and focusing on sensual connection, couples can rediscover the joy and intimacy in their relationships. As a society, we need to shift our perspective from merely addressing symptoms to fostering environments where sexual intimacy can thrive, no matter the age. As a therapist, I’m dedicated to exploring and understanding what makes sexual relationships work well for older adults, and helping couples create the fulfilling connections they deserve.